This One's For You, Sweet Lorna

This One’s For You, Sweet Lorna

Oh dear, 12 year old Lorna. The things I have to say. The many adventures and the roller coaster of life awaits you. The people you will meet, the places you’ll go and the things the Lord will do in your life await. Oh, but the journey is long. The price to pay is steep and your cross to bear is heavy on this adventure.

You are 21 now, yes! You made it! How? Sometimes I really don’t know, other than the grace of God.

You’ll still be tall, awkward and gangly. Your voice will still crack and you will still be intimidated by the world.

You’ll think you have life figured out after your first year of college but a handsome, God-fearing, tall (yes you heard me! He’s tall, cute AND loves Jesus!) man will come and make your heart swoon. He’ll get get down on one knee and ask you to marry him. You’ll excitedly say yes, terrified of the unknowns that are to come and to be answered. You have no idea what you’re doing as you plan this thing called a “wedding” and literally find yourself living on a prayer.

Your first year of marriage will be the hardest year of your life thus far. Yes, harder than when mom and dad split up and harder than when you left your little sister at home to go to a college far away.

You will find yourself, at 21, still crying on the bathroom floor in a small pathetic ball, asking God to take you to heaven already. You don’t know why you’re here, what your “calling” is because you’ve had the rug of your “purpose” pulled out from underneath you. You will still struggle with those nasty, bitter angry emotions of why you are the way you are. You will still have those dreadful, horrible suicidal thoughts. You’ll ask God to show you a sign and yes, you’ll doubt if He’s even there. You’ll pull yourself up, exhausted and tired.

You’ll open the bathroom door, puffy eyed to not your mother and sister anymore. But a man who loves you deeply and a sweet, sweet puppy who adores you. They will comfort you while you cry and your husband will look into your eyes and tell you, “God will take you up there when He wants to. We don’t get to decide that” and your heart will be filled with the peace of Jesus. That peace you’ve yearned for for so long and you will finally have it again. You’ll wake up the next morning with your sweet husband on one side and your adorable puppy cuddling you on the other side and be able to say for the first time in forever, “I’ll be ok” and mean it.

You realize, that even though you’ve left God countless times, that He’s never left you and He’s relentless in the pursuit of your heart.

Oh the lessons you’ve learned. You’ve learned to separate the whites from the colors. You’ve learned to say no to people and not let them walk all over you and you’ve learned that it’s ok to not be ok.

You’ll learn that when a bathroom says “vacant” on the green button that it means NO one is in there and that you can use it.

You’ll learn there’s a difference between Assyria and Syria in Bible college and you’ll also learn that God gives us friends but He also takes them away.

You’ll learn about ministry and see that Jesus care more about the little things rather than the big things.

You’ll learn that people matter and before you judge them, to judge your own sin first. You’ll see that each person is loved wholly by the Lord and you’ll have a desire for them to know Him.

You’ll still have no idea what your “calling” is and that’s ok. That doesn’t matter as much as the Gospel. You’ll still bumble along in life and wander at times. But the Lord is your shepherd, dear Lorna. Please remember that. You are His beloved and He will never leave, or forsake you.

Oh dear, 12 year old Lorna.

Somedays it's hard to smile.

Today is a day when it's hard to smile.

It's hard to smile because of the cruddy roads, my husband and I couldn't make it to my Grandma's funeral.

It's hard to smile because my Dad had to go to his Mom's funeral without me, my little sister who came down with the flu and his wife who had a doctor's appointment that couldn't be rescheduled. He has to stand there without the few who he leans on.

It's hard to smile because I can't imagine the aching of my Grandpa's heart who just lost his best friend and companion of 65 years.

It's hard to smile because she's gone and I didn't get to say goodbye.

All day I've been shuffling around with my shoulders sunk low and tears that slowly roll down my cheek unannounced.

But because of God's peace that surpasses all understanding, I was somehow able to smile today.

As Bugsby and I slowly trudged along in the slush on our daily walk I half-heartedly smiled at how cute he was frolicking in the remnants of the snow storm, not caring how wet he got.

Then I felt the sun on my face and I sighed happily as it warmly fell onto my cheeks and nose.

We passed the cutest couple walking along who smiled warmly and waved hello and I was able to smile and wave back.

Then, as I was walking back a woman in a mini van stopped at the stop sign and sweetly smiled at me and let me cross in front of her.

It is so strange how just one small gesture from one human soul to another can give us such peace.

Recently, God is making it more and more clear that a possible ministry in my life is counseling. It's fascinating to me because counseling really is about one human soul to being there help and lift up another human soul. Bearing the weight of life together and helping each other carry the heavy loads and burdens along the journey to heaven.

It's so crazy that when those who are suicidal share what saved them from taking their own life it was often someone else that took just a small moment to wave, smile, or genuinely ask and want to know, "How are you doing today, are you ok?" Wow!

Today I am simply thankful that our heavenly Father has created community and that we have one another to help bear our burdens together. We are never alone and there are always people out there to watch out for us and we are made to bless each other.

It's so easy to get wrapped up in our own lives and to have tunnel vision every day. But really, we are created to have fellowship and to think of others and bless them in small ways, whatever that may be.

In my Grandma's obituary, you can tell she was a woman of fellowship. She was a part of so many clubs and groups! People were important to her. She was involved in so much and made sure everyone around her was talked to, taken care of and felt welcomed. Someday I hope to be as warm and welcoming as her.

Someday I hope to be able to smile at people as sweetly as she did.

"Whatever you are, do it well."

Tonight I'm convicted about busyness. 

I keep asking myself these questions. . .

Did Jesus' disciples aim to stay busy so they would feel productive and like they were doing their job? 

Were they constantly tired and worn, bags heavy under their eyes and their hearts feeling overwhelmed because of all that needed to be done still after a busy day?
Did they struggle with feeling inadequate because their house wasn't big enough, their car not new enough and their clothes not nice enough?

Were they in constant pursuit of a career, an identity that they would associate themselves with for their lifetime? 

As a 20 year old whose newly married and trying to "figure out" what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life it's so easy to drop all that I'm doing pursuing Christ to pursue these worldly items instead. 

What is it that I will cling to when everything else fails? A job? An identity? Status? Clothing even?

Slowly, I'm learning that when I'm truly honest with myself and what the Gospel message is, it's not the size of my house or how clean it is that matters to Christ. No. 

Instead it's being weary and worn at the end of the day just like the disciples were, but having a heart filled with joy because of the relationships that have been made and strengthened, the serving that has been done and the lives that have been touched by Christ at the end of it all. I don't want my career (whatever it may be) to run my life. 

I don't want my accomplishments to fog the path that Christ has set before me. 

I want my heart to be one that reflects Christ and all that HE has done at the end of my life instead of my heart reflecting all the small things I have done. 

At this point all I know is, whatever Christ calls me to do, I want to do it well for Him. Not well for me. 

At the end I want to be welcomed into heaven hearing the words so precious ringing through my ears. . . "Well done, good and faithful servant". 

Why I Paid Too Much for Too Little

I have a rescue dog. He's not from a pound, he's not from a shelter, he's actually from Craigslist.

I don't call him a rescue dog to make myself feel better or look good, I call him a rescue because really that's what I did the day I met him.

I wanted a dog and BAD! My husband was going to be gone on many long trips for his job at that time and that meant that I was going to be by myself. I wanted a little buddy to keep me company. I immediately knew a little shih tzu to call my own was a remedy to this problem.

I responded to a Craigslist ad of what sounded like the perfect fit. Young, but not a puppy. Potty trained with all shots up-to-date and current, didn't bark and neutered. The picture on the ad of him melted my heart on the spot and I couldn't wait to meet this little guy!

When we first arrived the people didn't let us in their house. "That's a little weird. . . " I thought but kept on talking to the owners.

When the owner brought him out of the house my heart broke. He was skinny and had matted fur. As I kept talking to the owners about him more and more I found out that they had actually lied about almost everything in the ad.

He wasn't neutered.

He had never been to the vet.

They had no clue how old he really was.

He was potty trained. . . kind of.

They went inside so I could play with him outside in the 90 degree heat. He was panting like crazy and had the thickest fur I had ever seen on a little dog his size. He needed to be groomed and bad. He was so shy. So, so shy but stayed close to me anyway. He was showing obvious signs of abuse.

They wanted $300 for him. I kept rolling over the thought in my head that $300 was the same amount I would pay for a puppy that I could train and start from scratch. One that hadn't been abused either. My instinct told me this was a scam and he wasn't worth the money at all. I was furious these people had lied to me about his condition and I didn't want to give them any money whatsoever. I started to walk towards the door to tell them I was going to pass but my heart kept telling me it was wrong. I got to the door and lifted my hand to knock but stopped. I couldn't do it. I had to take him home. I couldn't leave him here where he wasn't being fed, walked, loved, played with and taken care of. I had to take him home. I didn't care how much money he would cost me or how much time and effort it would take to get him healthy and normal. I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn't take him with me.

I knocked but this time with intentions of taking him home. I finally haggled them down to $200 (still WAY too much!) and walked away with a scraggly, dirty, scrawny puppy in my arms but I felt like I was a 6 year old girl getting her first puppy all over again.

As soon as I got him in the car I started petting him to calm him down. Matted hairballs, dirt, dandruff, dust and all sorts of other things were piling off of him. He hadn't been petted in weeks, maybe months.

The other day when I was thinking about this story it reminded me of how Jesus redeems us. (Disclaimer, I'm not trying to be heretical by claiming I am a deity in any way. Just go with it :))

Jesus paid way too much for us. We had no benefit to Him. We are scrawny, filthy, grotesque beings at times. We don't deserve the price Christ paid whatsoever. All that pain. All those sins that He bore for OUR own sake is unfathomable to me. Yet He wanted us. He did it anyway. He has a capacity for love that we can't even begin to come close to.

He loves us so. Much. And that love is continually as overwhelming since the day I decided to follow Jesus. In fact, it gets even more overwhelming and I thirst more and more for it.

Jesus knew the price. He knew the cost. He knew He was the hope we needed. He could've easily said no to us. He could've easily passed and walked away.

Bugsby brings me so much joy and happiness. He is faithful and loyal to me. He listens to me. He follows me wherever I go. Even the slightest praise and he goes bonkers.

I wonder sometimes if that's how Jesus views me. Does Jesus find joy when I follow Him everywhere? Is He happy when I do a good deed? Does it bring Him pure delight when I listen to Him and am faithful? That when I see Him, or get a glimpse of Him, I smile and dance at the thrill of such a thing?

I think He does. And I'm so grateful that Jesus chose to pay the price of His life when He could have walked away that day too.

Top 3 Lessons

I'm just going to come right out and say it. This year for Will and I, was really, really, really hard. We struggled a lot with many different things. This was also hands down the most stressful year of my whopping 20 years of life thus far as well. Between a wedding, working two jobs, school full time, my husband being gone most of the summer, then losing his job, then the whole vicious cycle beginning again - it was really hard to see light at the end of the tunnel.

I could go on and try to convince you how hard my life is and how I battled depression on and off and how disappointed I am in myself, but that's not how Scripture tells us to deal with things.

"Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:2-3

When I look at this past year through a scope of growth I see that I have grown tremendously in many areas. I am a list person so here is a list of the top 3 things this year has taught me:

1. DON'T QUIT. I live in a generation of quitters. School is really hard and you don't see the point? Dropout. Your job is really stressful and annoying but you love it at the same time? Oh just quit and find work somewhere else. You picked up a new hobby and realized how hard and expensive it will be but it brings you joy? Oh just drop it and find something else. All these choices are poor and made on emotional thinking. I realized I quit several things this year because they got really hard and I regretted it every time. Like my mom always tells me: "When the going gets tough, the tough get going!"

2.  MONEY AND THINGS ARE NOT IMPORTANT. No! They really are not! American newsflash! When I first got married my focus was on the wrong things. I thought people would gauge the health of Will and I's marriage by how cute our apartment was, how gourmet all my dinners were that I slaved over every night of the week, or how many fun dates we went on that we lavishly would splash across social media. And oh my goodness is that wrong. I married a man who loves me the same even if he doesn't have any clean shirts to wear the next day to work because I was too tired or didn't have time that week for laundry. He loves me the same if we eat Top Ramen 3 nights in a row because I had school from 8-3 then work 4-9 for the past 3 days. The older I get the more I realize I care very little of what the world thinks and more and more of what God thinks and sees in my heart.

3. PEOPLE AND TIME ARE IMPORTANT. I spent so much of my time working this year and yes, the money was nice. The extra cushion financially was great, but it was soooooo not worth being tired, stressed and burnt out all the time. I missed my friends, greatly missed my family and I missed my husband. Time with people is important. Money is easy to obtain, but time with friends and family is so valuable and we need to cherish that. Taking every opportunity we can to reach out to them and growing deep, rooted relationships with them. The way we spend a majority of our free time shows where our heart is. For me, that was work. My heart was in the wrong place and I'm glad to have it shifted to the right place again. :)

I know some of you are thinking, "Well clearly Lorna I learned these lessons in middle school!" or, "Duh, these are super obvious things about life" and that's nice. Hey, I'm still only 20 and I have a long ways to go. I'm just thankful I have Jesus holding my hand walking side by side with me every day to help pick me back up when I fall down.